Hey everyone,

I have had a very busy hectic day today and still have work to do. Never ending isn’t it? Especially when your brain is on overdrive and doesn’t switch off like mine! I have just sat down and forced myself to take a breather, even though I am thinking of the 20+ things I have on my to-do list in my diary.

I had a productive day today in general and a lot has been put into perspective in a sense. I was triggered thinking about my ex and the abuse but I chose to not let it fester in my mind and let it ruin my day. Some days I feel like I am doing so well; getting past the trauma and grief of not only the abuse but almost grieving the end of what I thought was going to be my ‘happily ever after’ as well as going through the devastating loss of my beloved father; and then it will just take the slightest thing. The slightest thing to trigger it all off in my head.

Something simple as a memory or a thought or some days driving past my ex. It doesn’t help at all. But, I guess the memories never go away. The bad and the not so bad, and the good times (the few that there were). I sometimes ponder that the good times felt so good in my head, but was it all fake? I guess I will never know or have the closure. But, living with that and moving on is also part of the healing journey.

I do sometimes think my ex was under an illusion that I was not allowed to have emotions. Every time when times were tough or under stress, it was almost like I was vilified for showing my true emotions. But, that is human life and nature. None of us are perfect; I certainly am not! But we all laugh, cry, shout, stress and get frustrated from time to time- that is all part of life. Now, I often sit and reflect and think the days I cried- why was I made to feel so guilty about feeling an emotion?

I now realise true love and care is just calm and allows someone to be who they are and shine. Not be judgemental or belittle someone. It should calm your nervous system. It should feel like your safe space. It should feel like a warm hug at the end of a day. It should be your safe haven. It should be unconditional.

I am not sure if I will ever be lucky enough to feel this from a partner. But I have been lucky enough to have had great love from my late father and my mother.

I hope you all find this one day- or if you have it, then hold on tight to it.

It is priceless.

Time to go and get back to that list of mine. I have just thought of another thing to add to it…

With love,

Amina x