Hey everyone,

So I am finally back and getting over the jetlag slowly. It is 03.22am but I literally got home from work yesterday and ate and as soon as I was horizontal, I was asleep. I can’t sleep on flights and I think it all just caught up on me. But now I am awake at 03.22am.. that is another story.

I was back at work yesterday, and it was a long busy day (like every day in the NHS), but on the way home I was driving on the motorway and Spotify was playing in the background. ‘Patience’ started playing by Take That, and although I have heard this song like a gazillion times and know all the lyrics, as the song was playing, I actually heard a part of the song and was like wow.

‘My heart is numb, has no feeling
So while I’m still healing
Just try and have a little patience‘

These words did not have the same meaning to me a year ago. I guess you can relate it to many things, maybe it was written about the end of a relationship. But, whilst I was driving, I just thought wow, this is me and has been since the last year.

It is one year since my dad was admitted to hospital, and unfortunately he never made it home. I have been trying not to think about it, but really of course I have been. How can I not? I spent nearly every second by his side, and it is not easy to forget certain things in life. Most of the time, whatever I am doing, I think of my late father. It made me realise just how much I love and loved him. I am still not comfortable speaking about my father in the past tense. I speak about him a lot to my friends and I always realise I do it in the present tense, like he is still here with me. And he is, he will always be in my heart.

I have experienced love in a lot of capacities, and loved others in a lot of ways too- as a friend, romantically in a marriage, my family. However, I would never be able to put into words how much my heart broke when my father passed away- of course, I loved him when he was alive but his loss and the sadness I feel is something I can not even put into words or write about. He was so beloved to me, and he still is.

And there it is, the tears whilst I type this and my vision is getting kind of blurry now with the tears….

To finish on a positive note, I am so thankful to be back home and to have seen and hugged my mother and be back in my own home comforts.

My brain is actually ticking with all the admin I have to do and what I need to get done tomorrow. So here is me signing off and trying to get back to sleep!

Love always,

Amina xo