Hey everyone,

It is 19.03 here, and I have just got in and sat down. I hope you all are having/ had a wonderful day. I have had an incredibly busy few days, but I finally felt productive and on top of things again. I am trying not to focus on the negatives right now and all the stress and anxiety a certain situation or someone is bringing. I have started an aversion to even uttering the name of that person. I feel like going through a very stressful period in time, I was just on autopilot and now I have flashbacks and think did that even happen… did I tolerate such abuse? Yes, I did.

I was having a very fun day, driving home and then I had a conversation with someone which just triggered me to now cry my eyes out. That person was not even trying to upset me or be malicious but the words they said just came across in a certain manner and I guess my super sensitive side got triggered (which I try so hard to hide under my smile; which is sometimes just a mask). I feel like it was a whole bubbling of emotions and it all poured over. I am missing my late father so much.

This time last year is when I started a new job as a GP and thought things were looking up- I was hopeful, trying to focus my energy on my new job and decorate my house. I had started a DIY project and I was trying my very best to carry on despite my heart feeling so heavy and so unhappy in my relationship. I was convincing myself that things would get better and for once I did actually believe it.

And then, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

All of a sudden, the diagnosis of my father’s cancer, just on the day when I was finally feeling some peace and happiness. It was all so sudden, and then the few weeks after that he is no longer with me. I have had counselling but grief is a funny thing. All of a sudden, out of nowhere it just hits you and I cannot fathom that my father is not with me anymore. I often replay certain events in my mind, and although some things are a blur, the curse of having a very good memory, is that I remember every single detail of his last moments very well. The moments of him suffering, which I wish I could forget.

The loss of a parent is something that you truly cannot put into words and is so personal to you. Only you know how it feels and actually listening to patients talk about bereavement as a GP has humbled me and given me greater empathy.

So, I was typing this with tears streaming down my face and I get a call from my good friend, and actually my flatmate that I lived with at medical school. She said she was outside my house and came to drop off some handmade chocolates!

In all the darkness, God shows you a glimmer of hope and light. Keep believing that your light will come, if you are having a moment of darkness.

I feel very blessed to have friends who genuinely care for me, and have been looking out for me this past year.

Time to eat and then hopefully enjoy them chocolates as a treat. It has been a difficult few days, and I think I deserve it- although my mind is counting the calories :’)

With love and smudged mascara,

Amina x